jaws clenched tight we talked all night

Saturday, April 25, 2009

You cannot stay on the summit forever. You have to come down again...so why bother in the first place? Just this-what is above knows what is below, but what is below does not always know what is above. One climbs, one sees. One descends, one no longer sees, but one has seen. There is an art to finding your way in the lower regions by memory of what you have seen when you were higher up. When you can no longer see, you can at least still know...

rene daumal

Friday, January 30, 2009

I Have a Headache

Sometimes I lay on the couch when I'm on the computer. Once I get sick of it, I put my laptop on the floor and rest my head on the warm spot it left on the fabric. I usually fall asleep. I wake up with the couch texture imprinted on my face, and a headache from sleeping with my feet higher than my head. I hate it, but I do it all the time.

I really like how un-sexy the video is for this song

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

all new and wet

Tonight I wept silently at a stranger's memorial while the voice of an angel drew more tears from my eyes.
I came to the service knowing that he was loved by a friend, and that was why I was sad. But I left feeling that he was my brother too. It didn't matter that I had never met him. Being in a room full of people, who were all there to celebrate the life of one extraordinary person, made me realize that we are all extraordinary and we are all connected. The pain of one person will be our pain too, because they are our family. I listened as the memories of others filled in the outline. I cried because he was my brother and I never knew him. But most of all, I cried for the family below clinging tight. Hold strong.

Later in the night, as I stood outside a familiar place, two strange men approached me. A rush of anxiety passed over me, given where I just was.
"Do you know where Locust is at?"
"Oh...yeah you're going in the wrong direction. It's back that way, maybe ten blocks."
"Say Miss, you couldn't spare another smoke? And maybe a dollar?"
I was on edge as I reached into my pocket. But the fervent "God bless you"s and "Thank you"s floating through mismatched teeth, smoothed my edge. And their smiling, crinkled eyes matched my own.
I walked back into the restaurant only two parliaments and $3 lighter, but it felt like I had left a part of a much greater weight outside.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

anyone know?

I'm betting that the sales of Maverick cigarettes have gone way up during the Mccain-Palin campaign.

Saturday, November 1, 2008


The sun was intense as I drove across the Hoan Bridge. Gobbledigook turned the engine. I pretended I was a bird and I was floating on air, blinded by the lake surging with electricity. It was beautiful and dangerous. I blanked out. I don’t remember what I was thinking.

I almost slammed into the car in front of me. I hurdled down to earth.

And then I remembered.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

this must be the place

Tonight I made good use of the stainless steel thermos and wool socks I got at the REI sale this morning. After I got home from work, significantly earlier than yesterday, I went to the kitchen made some hot chocolate and grabbed a blanket. I then went down to the river and pulled a kayak in. I paddled down in water illuminated by the flashlight glowing in the hull. For the most part I just let the river carry me until I got to my favorite island.

The leaves were sparser and everything was crunchier since the last time I had been out. I laid on top the blanket and settled in. I turned my flashlight off and waited for my eyes to adjust. I heard splashing in the water and was momentarily panicked by the thought of an opossum running up and biting me. But the noise quieted and I steadily relaxed. The pulsing red light of a radio tower held my attention as my thoughts scattered.

I finally returned Bettny’s call today. I could tell by her voice that she was upset, probably because I have been doing a bad job of keeping in touch. I glanced at my horoscope in the newspaper. Aquarius and Libra were not compatible today. Damn. But as the conversation went on, her soft one word answers grew and soon I heard that crazy giggling cackle. When we hung up, I was left with a bittersweet combination of emptiness and anticipation. Not good word choices but; I really really missed her, and yet at the same time I felt ecstatic knowing she would be home soon.

So many great things are coming up with winter. I happily snatched them as they danced through my head. The end of the election, Bettny coming home!, everyone else coming home!, the holiday season, and finally my trip.

I must have fallen asleep with a smile on my lips.

I had planned on writing my college essay, but instead I listened while the world hummed it’s story around me.

P.S. I think I smell snow